You know you are a parent when ...

• You don't realize your baby has explosi-pooped out her diaper until you notice something strange on the back of her head ... yep, that's poop, which you then realize is also leaking out both legs of her diaper. You remain bewildered as to how it got on her head.
• When presented an opportunity to go on a vacation sans-baby, you become manic-depressive, alternating between utter glee at the chance to get away for a while and despair at how in the world you will manage to be away from her for multiple days in a row
• Getting out of the house to run to Target (especially if by yourself) feels almost like a vacation (and no, that's not the kind of vacation I'm referring to in the bullet above)
• You are destined to cancel at least one out of three outings or appointments because your baby has gone crazy (or is that just us????)
• The biggest excitement on a Saturday night is dancing your baby around the house with her singing stuffed duck toy. And you are surprisingly OK with that being how you spend your Saturday nights now
• You can never seem to find your lip gloss, credit card or gum in your purse, but you are never at a loss for various bows, toys, socks and blankies
• Instead of your phone being the one thing you can't leave home without (and are willing to turn around to get when almost at your destination), it's now the baby's pacifier
• Watching your baby sleep is better than any movie or TV show
• You would sell your own body parts (or better yet, your spouse's) for a cup of coffee or glass of wine, depending on the day
• When you're exhausted and you've been up to comfort your baby multiple times throughout the night, you start to wonder, could I just fit in the crib with her? (I haven't tried this yet but I contemplate it about every other night. When I mentioned it to Jordan, he says he thinks about it all the time, too)
• Your entire house has been overrun by baby toys. After you swore up and down that you would never let that happen to you
• You either dress your baby in so many layers that she's sweating or you don't have enough clothes on her. There is no in between
• You know you have to stay married forever because your husband is the only one who can 1) get the crib sheets on the mattress, 2) remove those hard-to-reach boogers from the baby's nose and 3) get the medicine successfully from the syringe into the baby's mouth. And he's willing to get up with the baby in the middle of the night - that one is priceless.
• You contemplate shoving old people who touch your baby in the grocery store line. Yes, I am aware she's cute, but you saying it doesn't give you permission to touch her.
• You have mastered driving with one hand while the other arm reaches into the back seat to hold the pacifier in the baby's mouth
• In the evening while watching TV, you hear a cry and are halfway to the baby's room before you realize it came from the TV. This happens to me almost every night. I am over all commercials or TV shows with babies crying
• It takes you approximately six times as long to read a book as before the baby because you can only get through about half a page before falling asleep at night. And when she goes to bed at 7 p.m., you seriously think about going to bed, too.

There's a lot more where this came from ... this one is to be continued ...