One more week

On a posting roll tonight ... and thought I'd save the difficult one for last.

I have had an amazing three months home with my precious baby girl. This is my last week to be home with her, and I've been trying, quite unsuccessfully, all day not to get weepy about it. I have forced myself not to count down every week - I am really bad about anticipating how much time I have left of something instead of actually enjoying the time I have left - and I've done a pretty good job of it. Until now. I could never have anticipated how much I would love being a full-time mom. Or that this job is so demanding, and sometimes difficult, that it actually requires my full-time attention. I thought I'd be able to do lots of cooking, cleaning, crafting during her naps, or even when she was happy and awake. I was crazy.

I thought three months at home would feel like an eternity - a good one, but still, a really long time. It has passed in a blur. The first weeks were full of uncertaintly, serious sleep deprivation and lots of phone calls to my mom to say " I have no idea what I'm doing" or "Do you remember this?" or "If you don't come over right now so I can take a nap, I will just die." There were lots of times where Addison and I would both be crying - she for whatever reason babies cry and me because I didn't know why she was crying. I used to laugh when I heard the "purple crying" commercials on the radio - the ones that tell you that when the baby is crying and you are frustrated, to place him/her in a safe place and walk away for a few minutes. I have repeated those words to myself, and laid Addie, crying, in her crib several times to regain my composure. Thanks to whoever makes those commercials.

The next weeks were about gaining confidence and falling into a routine. And dealing with colic. I learned that I actually could get myself and my baby ready and out of the house, even if just to drive five minutes to my mom's house. I learned how to make my baby happy, or at least more comfortable, when she was crying or not feeling well. I found her natural rhythms for eating and sleeping, and tried to follow them.

These last few weeks have been about watching her grow. She's become so much more interactive and observant. She's truly a little person. And I'd like to think of myself as a bit of a baby whisperer (although that only applies to my own baby - I'm confident a different baby would completely confound me). Jordan often says to me "I don't know how you do this every day" (particularly when she's fussy) and I can't imagine not doing it every day.

Every minute has been about loving her more than I ever knew I was capable of loving. Of wanting, more than my next breath, for her to be happy, comfortable, fed, secure and to know how much I love her. I was getting us ready for a trip to Houston a few weeks ago to visit my grandma and I said to Jordan that I knew I had every toy, article of clothing, medication, etc. that Addie could possibly need for two days. But I had no idea if I'd remembered to pack underwear for myself. That's what being a mom is about.

I worry that she will realize I'm not around when I drop her off at my mom's and go to work (I am eternally grateful to my mom for offering, and being so excited about, keeping Addie for the first few months I go back). I agonize that she'll miss me. I will miss her more than she will ever know.

So this week I will hold her extra close. We'll take naps on the couch together (even though I've been trying to convince her to nap in her own bed for weeks). I'll probably cry a lot. And I'll remind myself that no matter where I am, I always get to be her full-time mom.