We put our Christmas tree up today and Jordan was lying underneath it looking at the lights with Addie when I was struck by how different my life is than this time last year. Last Thanksgiving was a tough time for me, though most wouldn't have known. Jordan and I had been hoping to get pregnant for about six months, and I was sad and frustrated that it hadn't happened yet. I wasn't exactly talking about it with anyone ... I personally was not in favor of sharing with everyone I knew that my husband and I were "trying" to have a baby ... to me, that feels a little like telling the world "my husband and I are having sex a whole lot ... so don't come by unannounced or anything."
I had taken several negative pregnancy tests by that point and hit a low on Nov. 7. I remember the day very well because it had previously been a happy one - it was the day Jordan asked me to be his girlfriend when we were freshmen in high school. :) I remember sitting in the bathroom sobbing that morning and then having to pull myself together so we could get to church. The message that morning seemed to be crafted just for me. I don't remember all the details, but it was about giving up control to God. Notecards were distributed and the congregation was encouraged to write something on the card that each had been trying to control, and then place the card underneath a cross, relinquishing control to the Lord. No brainer for me. Writing on the card and placing it under the cross was the easy part. But at that moment I sincerely gave up control of my situation. After all, I hadn't exactly been successful in creating a baby myself.
I put up our Christmas decorations last year a little wistfully. I had been sure I'd be pregnant by Thanksgiving. For the rest of November, I continued to pray about my situation, but instead of praying fervently for a baby, I prayed for God's perfect timing and for strength and peace for Jordan and me. OK, some of the time I still prayed fevently for a baby. And asked why we hadn't been given one yet. I had to hand over my situation to God every day, sometimes more than once. But I felt more peace about it, more reassurance than I ever had before.
We celebrated my birthday and my dad's birthday in early December. I started feeling funny but didn't want to get my hopes up. Turns out my bizarre symptoms, which I thought were stress-related, could actually be signs of pregnancy - metallic taste in the mouth, bloody nose, light-headedness. On my way home from the gym on Dec. 7, I picked up a pregnancy test. I was so nervous I couldn't take it for almost an hour. In my anxiousness, I had grabbed the wrong kind - the kind that shows a plus or minus instead of the words pregnant or not pregnant. I took the test. It immediately showed a plus sign. We were incredulous. Jordan didn't believe it and told me to go out and buy the digital kind. I was way too embarrassed to go back in the same store and buy a second test, so he did it. It said pregnant.
In the grand scheme of things, we were very lucky. I know many have to wait much longer to get pregnant or have to go through incredible lengths, sometimes quite different than they'd imagined, to get the family they have always dreamed of. And I do feel incredibly fortunate that we were able to get pregnant and that it was an easy, healthy pregnancy for me, resulting in a most-perfect baby. But, at the time, our situation was agonizing. I caught a small glimpse of what some of my friends have dealt with on a much larger scale.
We told our parents about Baby Page just before Christmas but waited to tell family and friends until after our first doctor's appointment on Jan. 11, when she confirmed that there was, in fact, a tiny, healthy baby the size of a blueberry in my belly.
When I packed up our Christmas decorations on New Year's Day last year, I was carrying a sweet secret, wondering what this tiny baby would look like. Whether it would be a boy or a girl. Hoping it would be healthy. I thought ahead to putting the decorations up the following year - this year - and that I'd have a baby by then. A sweet girl who enjoyed lying on our new tree skirt today, feeling its soft velvet and gazing up at all the twinkle lights. How very blessed am I.
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