To work or not to work?

Whether a mom goes back to work after having a baby is an age-old question without a right or wrong answer. I only know the answer for myself and my own family (which I have come to after months of agonizing over it) and believe every mom has to come to her own conclusion. I respect and admire my mom friends who stay home full time and those who work full time - both have pros and cons and both are challenging. I feel for any woman who has had to make this choice - and especially for those who felt their situations didn't allow them to choose.
Before I had a baby, and even when I was pregnant, I was convinced that the right answer for me was to work full time. I have always loved my career. I put my heart and soul into my job and over the years have really gained much of my identity from it. I love the people I work with and what the organization stands for. I have had an awesome opportunity to create my position and department and have made some great accomplishments over the last five years.

I have NEVER pictured myself as the stay-at-home mom type. I just didn't think it was for me. My mom worked full time throughout my childhood and I was always proud of her for it. And I never wished she would do anything different - from her I learned that I could do and be anything I wanted to be. She must be superwoman because we always had homecooked meals and she never missed a production or special day at my school. But I also loved hanging out at my friends' houses whose moms were there with cookies when they got home from school. I thought it was cool that their moms could volunteer at the school or with other meaningful organizations or be readily available to hang out or go shopping with them. I wasn't jealous of what they had - just appreciative.

The second I saw my baby's face, something in me shifted. Being at home with her for three months isn't enough for me. I haven't yearned to return to work like I thought I would. If I'm being realistic, and I am, her colic has made her a pretty high-maintenance baby. It's taken me three months to figure her out, and half the time, I still have no idea what she wants. Because of that, it's really hard for me to leave her with someone else. Will they be as patient as I would be? Will they know what her different cries mean? Will they be able to soothe her like I can?
Also influencing my decision is our childcare situation. Thankfully, shortly after we told my parents we were pregnant, my mom told us she would really like to keep our baby for a while when I returned to work. The plan was for my mom to keep her full time until February, then we'd place her in childcare full time. We had two long-term childcare options, both with child development centers we felt really good about. They have both now told me they don't have room for her until summer. Our church's Mother's Day Out (available three days a week for part of the day) may or may not have room for her in February. My mom is a true Godsend and has said over and over again that she will keep Addie for as long as we want her to, as many days a week as we need. Sometimes she even asks me to go ahead and get back to work so she can start keeping her now! But we also struggle with not wanting to take over my mom's entire life with keeping our baby.

So, couple my emotional state of mind with the childcare issues and I was pretty sure God was trying to tell me something. Honestly, what I have struggled with, more than the question of whether to return to work, is that maybe I didn't know myself very well after all. Not only have I gotten to know Addie very well over the last three months, I've been reintroduced to a different version of myself. I'm OK with my identity being "Addie's mom" - I even relish it - instead of a big fancy title. I like singing nursery rhymes and working on tummy time just as much as strategic planning. But I don't want to give up that other world completely. Even if right now I am content being home with Addie all the time, I think I would regret giving up that other part of myself.

So the right answer for us is for me to work part time. I have been offered and accepted an awesome new job, working around 20 hours a week, mostly in the office and a bit from home, with people I like and admire. Though extremely difficult for me to leave a job, organization and people that I truly love, I am confident this is the right move for me. I will be able to keep ties to my profession, using my talents and learning from others who do what I do. I'll get to hang out with and brainstorm with adults. And I will be able to be at home with my baby. My mom will keep her while I'm at work until Addie's old enough to go to MDO. And even then I'm confident my mom will find reasons Addie needs to hang out with her instead of going to MDO some of the time.

The other thing worth noting is that I have an incredibly supportive husband who has said to me from the beginning (after we ran the numbers and determined that, financially, we could look into me not working or just working part time) that he wants me to do whatever will make me happy. He likes the idea of me being the one to keep our baby. He also likes the idea of me keeping in touch with the adult world by working part time. Above all, I am extremely grateful that I have been able to choose what I want to do.

I am excited about the next chapter in my life. I'm looking forward to my new career. I'm really looking forward to hanging out with Addie.