Same question, different answer

I thought once I figured out "my" answer to the do I work full time/part time/stay at home debate that I'd be done with it. I was wrong.

I've been struggling, wrestling, beating myself up over my decision to work part time for months. I've had a great opportunity, with a great company, with great people in the field I've been trained in. But for me, something was still amiss.

Don't get me wrong, there have been (many) days I couldn't wait to get out the door to drop Addie off at school and have my own time with other adults at work. So nice to eat my lunch in peace and quiet without someone flinging their food at me. So nice to do something that was all mine, that I'm pretty good at.

But then I realized something. I'm pretty darn good at being a mom, too. I have lots and lots (and lots) of shortcomings. I yell. I get frustrated. I get sick of my kid and want to give her away. But I hear that's normal. And I love her more than I ever thought I could love someone. I liked my job. But I realized that to spend time away from my little person, I needed to really, really love my job.

All along, I've had the opportunity (and the support from Jordan) to stay home full time. Knowing I have that opportunity (and how many would do anything for that opportunity) made me realize I need to take it, grab hold with both hands and soak up every second I can before my baby girl is no longer a baby who needs (and wants) my attention every moment. I have my whole life to work. I only have a few years to teach, mold and spend time with my baby.

I know this decision isn't for everyone. And honestly I didn't think it was for me. I've been fighting it for months. Who will I be if I don't have a "career"? What will I say when people ask me what I do for a living? What will the professionals I've worked with over the past eight years think about me? And what about all those times I completely couldn't understand why someone would want to stay home full time? That was me before I took my first look at Addie and all was lost, in a good way.

So I'm scared. Really scared. About losing myself, about losing touch with the "real" world, about losing relationships that have been important to me and, let's be honest, about losing face with people I know won't understand. Will I ever be able to re-enter the full-time working world, if that's what I choose to do? Am I signing my own career-death-warrant at age 30? Is Addie going to drive me really-and-truly insane?

I'm working (hard) to get over all of that. I've realized that sometimes I've just got to rely on faith and jump, without knowing what the future is going to hold. And that's got to be OK. I'm trying to concentrate on the present, and when I do that, I realize I'm really excited about having more time with my girl.

Those fears about losing touch with the industry I've loved have been assauged a bit with some well-timed freelance PR/writing/design opportunities. I think that may be a good option to keep me as sane as is possible as I jump on the crazy train that is stay-at-home-motherhood.

I've said before and I'll say again that I feel really fortunate to have had the choice about what I want to do. And I feel fortunate that I've gotten to know myself a whole lot better since I became a mom, even if what I've found wasn't at all what I was expecting. I'm really proud of my control-freak, plan-everything-in-advance self that I've taken this seemingly-blind leap.

I'm giving all those plans and worries of mine to God (and yes, I have to give them back pretty much every day) because I know His plans for me and my family are far greater. After praying for months without any clear answers, I've slowly been receiving some quiet reassurances that this is the right decision.

So, I'm officially jumping into the next phase of my life. Erin Page. Stay at home mom.